BIG WORDS little mouth - I am here to provide you with #content.Every day all fucking day For your consideration are a selection of poorly constructed, ill conceived thoughts regarding life, mental health, and other miscellaneous matters as well as some fiction because why the hell not? Hey, maybe you'll like it or maybe you won't, who can know for sure? Either way, please consume responsibly.Or don't, hell if I care
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Why Do Something If I'm Going To Suck At It?
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Can Someone Please Plug In the Wires In My Brain? Kthnx
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Oh God She Hates Me, Doesn't She?
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My Brain Keeps Running And It Never Stops, Slow Down
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Hi, I'm Lonely And I Will Wear You Out
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25 Fucking Years
I'm not going to sit and here and claim to be the competitive type. In most cases I am more than happy to admit to not being as good at something as someone else is. I also don't have an issue with acknowledging that I'm not good at something, even if it's something that maybe I should be good at.
I do consider myself to be the creative type though. I really like to be slightly different from everyone else and have often succeeded in that aspect of my creative endeavors. Unfortunately my execution of these ideas often leaves a bit to be desired. I'm a walking disaster in every aspect of my life apparently.
But one thing I find really discouraging is when I come up with an idea only to find out that someone else already came up with the idea and did it a lot better than I could. As a result, I can either just scrap the idea completely or find a way to present the idea from a different perspective to justify the effort I put into it. There's very little personal satisfaction that comes through doing something blatantly worse than others. Life is short and free time is precious, why spend it on something that creates stress and self-doubt? I have enough issues to begin with.
I guess I am a bit competitive, or at least moreso than I realized when I began writing this.
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There are stretches of time where it feels like I have a blockage in my mind, preventing me from focusing on anything. It can last for days, weeks, or even months.
No productivity
No enjoyment
No quality of life.
Just staring into space, my mind lost in some sort of fog.
It's like there's a disconnect and wires in my brain are unplugged. Then seemingly like magic, these wires eventually get connected again and I'm back to being able to focus on things, to find enjoyment in some activities, and maybe have something resembling quality of life.
This doesn't mean my mind is functioning properly. Far from it! I still have the same emotional and mental issues that have so far prevented me from living the type of life that contributes to society in a way the world expects. But at least I'm able to do SOME things, limited as they may be.
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I made a new friend on social media. It's pretty cool, we text each other constantly throughout the day. Sometimes we laugh and chat while we play games online together. We don't get into anything too personal. or at least not yet. Maybe we'll work our way there as we continue to get to know each other.
She might have less of an actual social life than I do. Maybe. I dunno, she definitely knows more people on social media than I do. Sometimes I get curious if she is chatting with other people while she's talking to me. Does she wonder if I'm chatting with other people while we're talking? Because I'm not. Or at least not as much as we chat.
I also start wondering where she went if there's a long gap between messages. She COULD be doing something productive. But there IS a green circle next to her name so she's logged in. Was I boring? Did I annoy her? Maybe she found someone she liked talking to more than me. That MUST be it. What the fuck, why do I suck so much.
Oh thank God, she messaged me back. Holy shit I feel better now.
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My thoughts move a million miles per second and my brain is stuck hopelessly trying to chase them and it's the fucking worst.
Usually it's shit regarding my past. You know, both good and bad. It's easy and cheap to seek comfort in good times that were already had. Like, a quick fix when I don't have the motivation to move and attempt to have more happy moments. But sometimes those bad memories pop-in to crash the party and it's fucking awful. Multiple times a day I'll scream into a pillow just to let out some of that frustration. Or I'll just shake my head violently. It's kinda like a sudden twitch that feels like a sneeze that I just HAVE to let out.
There's so many moments from my past playing out in my mind and I'm often wondering what I could have done differently, just the absolute SMALLEST shit that could have changed. In my mind I'm just thinking that the past repeats itself so if I prepare for similar situations I can hopefully do something different.
You know what ends up happening though? I try to imagine what those past situations would have looked like after I did things differently. Like, in my mind I try to shape my past to fit whatever needs and desires I want to take comfort in. I'm willing to bet it goes FAR beyond a gentle distraction. At this point it feels more like a desperate escape from reality.
I sometimes wonder what's more honest though; remembering the past as they happened or shaping the memories to how I wish they had happened. One choice is actually what happened, the absolute truth. But maybe that's not what I WANTED. What I wanted didn't happen. What I wanted was far more honest than what actually happened.
So what's gonna happen to the future? Will anything be accomplished or achieved? I can spend all the time in the world trying to prepare for it but there's no way for a future to even happen if I'm stuck living in the past.
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I've been finding out lately that I'm at my absolute loneliest when I'm around people than when I'm actually alone.
I guess when I'm alone I can kinda get lost in one of my hobbies or interests. Then I end up not thinking too much about human contact. Well, I do, quite a bit actually, but maybe not AS much? I don't know, it's hard to describe.
For some reason though, I feel it hard when I'm with someone or in a crowd. Especially during the times where I'm not doing great to begin with. Like, the more fun that's being had, the more depressed and lonely I am.
Maybe what ends up happening is that it feels so nice to be with someone or with people that I kinda want to express my feelings. I can be overly sentimental and sometimes I have to reel it in. It's good to be honest with people, sure, but I don't want to be emotionally heavy either. I have to remind myself that it's a good way to scare people away. Like, my intentions are good! But not everyone wants to hear how THEY and ONLY THEY made me not feel completely lonely for a short period of time. I mean seriously, who the fuck wants THAT sort of pressure?
It can all be emotionally exhausting which is why I suspect people get tired of me after a period of time.
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He lived for 25 years.
He looked like he was 50 years old when he died.
He did 75 years of living in those 25 years.
I'm sure we can profit off his image for a couple of years, maybe a few more years if we market it right. Think of the merchandising.
We can wait about 5 years and release a book. A couple of years after that we can release a movie based on the book. A couple of years after that we can release a book about the making of the movie. That's an extra 10 years of life right there.
And he will live forever in the hearts and minds of everyone who knows of him. No one ever truly dies.
He died when he was 25 years old you fucking pricks, eat shit.
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